I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
