You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
