What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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