why didn't you poke me back
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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