So drunk, too bad you don't want this
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize