I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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