YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
