so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I AM VODKA MAN
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
