when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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