It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
