Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
