Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
