I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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