Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
