nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
