I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
