this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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