that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
