Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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