i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize