What a fucking waste of an outfit
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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