How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
