I'm so fucking centered right now
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize