She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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