so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
