just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
