She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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