I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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