They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I believe in your delicious
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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