Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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