Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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