Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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