I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
