Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
