I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
