man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
