she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
