Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
