you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
