Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
