Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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