Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize