u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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