She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
As shirtless as possible
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
