I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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