I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize