god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
