guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
