Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize