I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
