I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
