I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
