I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
