Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
