I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
