His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
