My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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