A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
