Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
