If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
