I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
