Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
