Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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