drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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