You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
