In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
