Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
