i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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