From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize