I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
