I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
