Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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