yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
