I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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