the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the day after is always just damage control
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
